The Government have announced plans for a heavy amount 0f investment in Julian Huppert, in the hope he will go away and stop bothering them by 2020.
The investment will be initially in his beard and ears, but ministers refused to rule out spending public money on other parts of his anatomy, refusing to be drawn on the specific question of bushy sideburns.
Labour & Conservative challengers for Lord-High-Science-Magician Huppert’s parlimentary seat were said to be pleased with the plans:
“Labour have always said anything that criticises the Government’s economic policy in a desperate bid to appear different, and I’m happy to do that again here and now.” confirmed Daniel Zeichner, who isn’t Jewish. ”Unless Julian goes away, in which case I think George Osbourne is a bang tidy chancellor and I’ll sleep with Danny Alexander at least twice.”
For the Conservatives, Nick Hillman smiled a nice, pleasant smile, the sort of smile that makes you want to hug someone and go “awwww.”.
“Austerity is a policy we must stick to, in order to get the nations Hupperts in order.” he confirmed “cutting Hupperts is the only chance I’ve got of becoming an MP anyway.”.
“Bloody hell I’m an a Councillor” said quite a few people after the recent Cambridgeshire County Council election results were announced.
“Shit, does this mean I might have to do some work to get re-elected?” responded MP Stephen Barclay.
As it was once again proved that the connection between becoming an elected official, and a basic understanding of what that entailed was zero, people with power over the lives of others were getting used to their new roles.
Further, satirical websites were struggling to parody something that, in of itself was a parody of the things it normally parodies.
“We’re in a parody paradox. A parod-oddy-ox-ody if you will” said Nigel, whilst writing this in the third person, about himself.
“Things could get really unfunny really quickly. Think if the Green Party had got elected.”
You must vote for our candidate, they are the only choice, said loads of political parties today.
Our candidate works hard. Not just hard, but REALLY hard. So hard, they work tirelessley. They literally don’t tire. If they did tire, they wouldn’t yawn.
Our candidate stands up for YOU. He/She doesn’t sit down. Even when they are sitting down, standing up is barely a flex of the knees away.
Their candidate failed. They failed to stand up, and then they sat down. Once, I even heard they lay down on the floor.
They didn’t have a strong voice, they had a small, tinny weak voice – like that voice you didn’t like at school that was really annoying but belonged to the twat who got all the good grades. And we all know what that sort of voice means.
And don’t waste your vote by voting for that other lot. You’d be wasting it. If you could recycle it, that would be ok, but you can’t. You’re wasting it.
BAR GRAPH. PICTURE. LOCAL ISSUES. BALLOT BOX.
On a serious note, from the whole Shallot team, please vote today. People died so you have that right, don’t squander it.
Cambridge City Council are commemorating the historic wall which divided a nation, and led to the second world war, it was revealed this week.
The latest in a series of highly successful, cost effective pieces of public art was unveiled today, by the fanfare that only a cash strapped Council could muster. And also a dog walker who wanted to sit down.
“This is an interactive piece of public art” said someone from the Council employed because their name was Bob, “so interactive, that at its heart is asks a question.”
“That question, I’m sure you know, is: WHY?”
Lib Dem Cllr Rod Cantrill was quick to look slightly embarrassed and not turn up to the unveiling.
Labour’s Kevin Price was quick to shout about how the Lib Dems had wasted tax payer money.
The Tories were quick to not turn up.
Cambridgeshire Liberal Democrats today launched their fantasy manifesto, aiming to capture both the hobbit and Cthulu vote, as well as possibly humans and some lesser species of tadpole.
Launching their manifesto, leader Cllr Kilian Bourke set out their priorities, including mentioning the guided bus:
“First of all: Guided Bus. Guided Bus, guided bus, bus, the guided one – did we mention that yet?
We believe that the hot air produced by us mentioning it at every possible opportunity ALONE could heat all of Cambridge. And bring in £2 million a year in greeney revenue. “
And the Lib Dems were keen to say how much they’d achieved, despite not being in charge, ever:
“We already know our achievement in guided bus campaigning for the beginning of Life On Earth was a success, and we’re very pleased to take credit for that. Guided bus.” explained Cllr Bourke.
“Academies!” said Cllr Peter Downes.
In their alternative budget, the Lib Dems outlined plans to sell off the lungs of the senior management team, in order to improve the Guided Bus oxygen content of the air – making Cambridgeshire a better place to breathe Guided Bus.
“Sex workers!” said Cllr Belinda Brookes-Gordon.
They claim this is realistic as they have costed the price of human lungs on the open market, and calculated the volume of air they can produce:
“We asked officers and everything, and they said the numbers added up.” explained deputy leader with responsibility for waffle, Cllr Lucy Nesthinga.
“Sure, Mark Lloyd may find working harder without being able to breathe, but all Council staff are having cut backs and he should be no guided bus different.”.
“It isn’t that we want to overstate the importance of the GUIDED BUS, but our moral outrage alone is at least an 11 on the Rennard scale.
There is a very real threat that, if not contained, it could bring about hell on earth, and no one wants that, apart from possibly Cuthulu.
Unless of course it would pay for better basic services, I’d imagine Hellspawn could be very good at adult social care, given the chance.”.
Somewhere, quietly, Lloyd George wet himself.
Cambridgeshire Labour party plan to run the County on roughly one side of A4 per year, mostly written in crayon, some people were told today.
Labour announced the central tennant of their plan: equality through mediocrity.
They explained how if they were a bit crap about how they’d run things, everyone would feel a bit crap, probably be a bit crap, oh why bother, we’re all equally crap aren’t we really?
It’s just a bit shit.
Grumpy socialist, Leader Cllr Paul Sales, explained their manifesto:
“Basically, we thought, why bother?
We’re not going to be as flashy as the Tories and we don’t really understand business. Doing loads of work when we’re not in power has never been our thing like the Lib Dems.
How many voters read this shit anyway?”
Suggestions that Labour based their manifesto around the length of Twitter messages were immediately jumped upon by supporters, on Twitter.
Labour candidate for Petersfield, and professional Energiser Bunny impersonator, Ashley Walsh tweeted:
“I hate way horrid evil lib dims do politics. They r nasty evil horrids!!!”
He was quickly supported by people sitting in the same room as him, also tweeting:
@RichardMarj: I agree. Those lib dems are so evil! Nasty! Deceitful! Mean!
@ClareBlair: Well said! They were great when I was in them, but now they suck!
@GerriBird: I agree! No wait, I don’t, only the second part!
@DanRatcliffe: I’m hurt! They’re so mean!
Somewhere, quietly, Aneurin Bevan turned in his grave.
“A record of Nick Clarke, a promise of more Nick Clarke, Nick Clarke, Nick Clarke” – Nick Clarke launches manifesto with some ToriesApril 5, 2013
Nick Clarke, Nick Clarke, Clarke, Nick, Nick Clarke, and some Tories, it was announced recently.
“Me me me me me me me me me. Oh and them. But mainly me.” said Conservative County Council president, leader and Grand Visier, Nick Clarke.
Introducing his The Conservative Party manifesto, El Presidente Clarke explained
his vision for turning Cambridgeshire into a massive branch of Starbucks:
“Admittedly, with Steve Tierney in the cabinet, we’ve broken with tradition, in that there is more than one person and Martin Curtis awake in meetings now, but overall this is about efficiency.
Efficiency means me talking a lot. Efficiency means me conducting affairs in a efficient, business like manner.
Efficiency also means me saying stuff about Julian Huppert. Damn him, damn him to hell.”
A gray, featureless drone, with the nominal title of Cabinet member said “Aaaaaaaand now-0w we will sing the lefty-hymn:
MAGIC MONEY TREE!
Hahaha. Labour! HE HEE HEE
MAGIC MONEY TREE!
Liberal. HA HE HE.”.
Somewhere in the back of a limo, quietly, Eric Pickles rubbed his fingers with glee.