modest proposals by Labour for the money
There is a very real danger that soon, local Councillors could have a very real affect on the way our very real lives happen in reality, claim leading mage wizards.
Speaking from his face, Cllr Martin Curtis’s sideburns are said to be “excited”, “positive” and “looking forward to a wash” at the news that up to £1 billion squillion oodles of cash could within their control.
Cllr Shuter said something obvious about business.
“Although this all seems like an esoteric squablebab” said Professor Makes Upbollocks “studies have shown the dangers of letting politicians make decisions about things, especially when they show such shocking disregard for fashion.”.
The plan for the money includes some things, some stuff, some other stuff, a thingy and a reasonably sized doodah.
Labour Cllr Noel Kavanagh criticised this for being “Thingy, yadda yadda”.
He added “has anyone noticed there are some damaged pavements? I have? I’m on it, me.”
The City Labour party were said to be drawing up “comprehensive” plans to spend “all of the money and then some” once they took power.
Making all rules in the City inconsistent with one another is the key to Cambridge’s future success, claim Cambridge Lib Dems in plans announced this week.
The plans, which were revealed as places where you shouldn’t park were swapped around with places where you should park, will see the largest shake up of how the City is run since the last time a bunch of politicians got together and didn’t understand what was going on in the world. And also all of UKIPs County Councillors.
Explaining the policy, Cllr Tim Ward shouted “I have no control over parking, no control at all. I also have no control over mutant rice men from mars – I didn’t even consider them when drawing up this policy that I didn’t draw up.”
This website can fictionally reveal the policy will be extended to other areas of bad policy making, including: sending primary school children to perform complex heart surgery whilst asking doctors to colour in pictures of cats; putting rubbish in people’s windows and dumping all of Jesus Green into a wheely bin; finally replacing the entire voting systemwith Richard Taylor’s opinions.
Somewhere, quietly, Antoniette Jackon wept.
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/News/New-standards-to-combat-rabbit-hutch-housing-20130612055500.htm
it is significantly smaller on the inside
New plans have been announced today to keep Cambridge at least middle class for the next 10-15 years, with an outside chance of allowing it to become upper middle class on average in the future.
Conservation planning laws could allow the retention of words such as “gosh”, “golly”: there is even still some hope that “hockeysticks” could be rescued from oblivion.
Cambridge City Council has proposed minimum numbers of whirlpools and tree lined front gardens for mansions built within the City. However, some upper middle class people may still find the minimums cramped:
Trumpington resident Viscount Earl de Wankle explained “The 3000sqm rear lawn could only hold 14 horses comfortably! What will I do with my other 7 beasts?!
Don’t even get me started on where I would put my gryphon”.
Richard, 32, is a profession yak hurldler when not being smoked
A cigarette apologised yesterday after wrecking a building following a drunken night out.
After being smoked by at least 1 person, the cigarette stumbled home and then tragedy struck.
Firefighters at the scene said it was unclear whether a cigarette could actually gain sentience go out drinking and stumble home causing a fire, or whether it was just a freaky accident that was only reported on because it was a slow news day.
Bob McBob, chief Firefighter added “In general we’d urge cigarettes not to obtain sentience. To be honest, it would be much better if all random objects didn’t achieve sentience – last week my cheese grater started talking to me, and he was a right bore.”
Cambridgeshire County Council has voted to be more like Belgium, it was announced recently, and what the hell is the point of Cllrs anyway?
Successive Cllrs of minority parties that not that many people like that much, fell over themselves to explain away moves to talk about things more, before voting on whether to talk about the same things even more at another meeting. This meeting could then start by considering whether the results of the talking at the previous meeting had a sufficient number of words, or whether, in fact, that meeting needed re-running in order to achieve a more optimal word to person ratio.
There was then a Bourke vote, resulting in 3,456,743 votes to Ed Balls, and 67 votes to people actually in the room. It was ignored.
All this would increase the amount of democracy, they claimed, and that lots more democracy is a GOOD THING.
There was another vote about something at this point.
Cllr John Hipkin, executive cllr for being up one’s own backside, explained how jolly good it would be if councillors moved as quickly as possible away from a system that allowed decisions to be made:
“It’s jolly good” he confirmed “everyone is agreeing with me – even the people who said the things I’m saying before I’d thought them.”.
This was followed by a leadership vote, where all Conservative cllrs voted against Cllr hipkin, except City Cllr meftah, who raised his hand because cllr Bourke told him to.
The Shallot Cambridge 