other things the Green party have identified as being the same.
The Green party candidate from Norwich has failed to understand that Cambridge and London are different places, occupying different points in the space/time continum and not being the same, and also different, it was revealed today, in Cambridge, and not London.
Green Barnoness and high commander of London Moral certainty, Jenny Jones proclaimed that London and Cambridge were in fact, the same “Look, we’ve got this Jolly Nice thing in London called the ‘congestion charge’ – no idea what is is as my personal rickshaw driver handles everything for me – but I’m sure the lower middle classes will love it.” she said, sucking on a vegan organic piece of funghi.
“We’ve got lots of other things in London that you could have in your basically the same City”, she explained: “In London we have a big gerkin, and we all know vegetables are good for you, so maybe you should have one here as well.”.
Other highly realistic Green policies included introducing 50% affordable housing, banning all money things and asking Julian Huppert to stop bobbing to combat climate change.
Rupert Reed confirmed what everyone knew he was going to say “We are the only party, the ONLY party like an S Club Party, and we’re gunno get down tonight.
What, wait, no, that’s not it. Oh dear.”
Once rent controls were announced, the rebellion began
Cambridge’s bedbugs have laughed in the face on puny humans having trouble finding somewhere to live, it was revealed today. Some of the cities smallest residents say they find a large range of affordable and slightly moist accommodation all over the City. They admit though admit there is a shortage in Newnham, but claim this is offset by the ready availability, length and comforting grease of Cllr Daniel Ratcliffe’s ‘hair’.
Green Rupert Read went on about how his party was different from the rest, even though no one else had given a policy yet: “Only my party is standing up for bugs. Only my party is sitting down for bugs.
Only my party welcomes bugs. Bugs, bugs everywhere! Freedom for bugs!”
Labour’s Daniel Zeichner came out with some socialist guff: “It is the hard working bugs of this Country that have been failed by this evil Tory-led Government and their nasty iky Lib Dem lackies. They probably don’t even like bees, and bees go near flowers. Flowers are nice, sweet things, so therefore you should vote Labour. Yes.”
Conservative PPC Chamali Fernando was concerned about her lack of experience dealing with bugs, but had an innovative/stupid solution: “We could draw on their wings so we know what type of bug they are” she said “for example, everyone likes a good moth, but we need more training to deal with bees, like advanced swatting classes.”.
Lib Dem Julian Huppert nearly said something about Ms Fernando’s statement, but decided to remain strangely silent instead.
Canvassers could be made to identify themselves.
Caring, compassionate Conservative PPC for Cambridge, and sometime suit model, Chamali Fernando, has announced the launch of a series of children’s dolls, it was made up, here, because that’s where you’re reading it.
The project will help train clueless people how to care better for people’s needs, and/or decide who to leave dieing in a ditch in case there’s a chance they stab someone, or worse still want to watch moronic daytime television. Because that’s the choice for those with a mental illness, obviously.
“I’m committed to being compassionate and caring, not just because I have a kind soul, but because my parents told me to” said Fernando.
Chief Marketing officer for Ms Fernando, her Dad, explained “We’ll have a full balanced range. Chamali is especially proud of her push to get mentally ill people helped, so we’ll have ‘Nutty girl’ doll so there’s something they can buy too.”
Prof Dooby Stingpert commented “Toys you say? Excellent! Always wanted a nice toy myself. Is there a Chamali doll, and does it come with an ‘unfortunate turn of phrase’ setting?”.
FOR THE COMMON GOOD!
http://cambridge.greenparty.org.uk/elections/
Rupert Read knows more about thinking than you, so you should stop thinking and be what he says, Cambridge Green Party have announced.
He’s thought about things so much that he probably thought about you thinking about them before you actually started thinking about them, making your actual thoughts pretty redundant. And he thought about that, too.
He’s thought about you, who you are, and what you are. He’s even thought about what you might want to be and whether other people should let you be that. Many of these thoughts are free thinking and should be thought, some of them should not, but all of them are thoughts he thinks.
He can’t stop himself thinking, such is his thought power. You, you oppressor of of White Men! Stop! Stop oppressing his thoughts!
“Anyway” said Dr Read “after thinking about it a bit more, I’ve decided to stop thinking – it doesn’t seem to end well for me.”.
New Cambs County Council intake. Cllr Hipkin shown centre.
“Bloody hell I’m an a Councillor” said quite a few people after the recent Cambridgeshire County Council election results were announced.
“Shit, does this mean I might have to do some work to get re-elected?” responded MP Stephen Barclay.
As it was once again proved that the connection between becoming an elected official, and a basic understanding of what that entailed was zero, people with power over the lives of others were getting used to their new roles.
Further, satirical websites were struggling to parody something that, in of itself was a parody of the things it normally parodies.
“We’re in a parody paradox. A parod-oddy-ox-ody if you will” said Nigel, whilst writing this in the third person, about himself.
“Things could get really unfunny really quickly. Think if the Green Party had got elected.”
this could be a new Dr Who monster
Waffling about pointless nonsense no one really gives a toss about could be the key to sustainable energy generation, Cambridge Lib Dems have claimed.
Unveiling plans to power a number of local buildings, businesses and Julian Huppert by the generation of hot air, the bunch of hairy middle class bores explained how their waffling on about things like House of Lords reform and Climate change would power entire buildings.
“It’s simple, really” said Cllr Tim Ward, giggling like a maniac.
“For example, we calculate that, if we lock Nick Clarke and Steve Tierney to a rack and talk about how important climate change and saving the planet are, their combined rage would power a battle class starcruiser, or an experiment to explain Max Boyce’s existence.”
Cllr Ward bored further:
“The overall efficiency of a lib dem powered waffle system is a at least 345.7% more pretentious than any gathering of Labour Activists, and certainly significantly more sexist than anything the Tories could produce by standing around banging on about free markets.
Really, the only thing that could beat it would be a collection of Greens, their hypocrisy alone could generate enough energy to destroy the sun, ironically.
Sadly, there simply aren’t enough of them now.”
a shocking example of just one of the so-called hairstyles supported by Cllr Pogonowski’s use of gel
The public purse has been plundered by ex-Green Cllr Adam Pogonowski, to fund gel to support his increasingly erratic hairstyles, it was revealed today.
We can exclusively reveal that on at least two occasions he has applied enough gel to support a central spike of at least 7 inches and then decided subsequently to flatten the spike, wasting the gel.
The environmental campaigner spent almost half the total hair gel bill for Councillors, despite having relatively little real hair under his expensive extensions.
Council Leader, Cllr Tim Bick, who doesn’t use any hair gel said: “He defected from the Green Party to Labour in May, and we must now wonder: was this was merely because he recognised that the Labour party would be willing to subsidise his constantly changing hairstyles?”
Jonathan IsaReallyBoringBe, from the Taxpayer’s Avoidance Campaign, criticised the spending, saying, “Everyone sometimes needs some styling gel.
However, for one Cllr to spend almost half as much as all the others cannot be acceptable.
What would happen, for example, if Cllr Andrea Reiner wanted emergency hairspray to fix her fabulous barnet in place?”
Cllr Pogonowski defended his record:
“I obviously don’t change my hairstyle unless it is critical: for instance yesterday I only made 4,245 separate adjustments to my spikes.”
Gok Wan said “It’s tragic really. The hair cut I mean.”
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Home/Weve-cut-emissions-Er-no-we-havent–18062012.htm
a plan for guaranteed success
The key to success for the ruling Liberal Democrat group on Cambridge City Council is to constantly change the targets it is aiming for, it was announced today. The radical policy, designed to avoid all accountability to the public, came about just after they had been returned to power when no one voted for them.
“As Liberal Democrats we believe in evidence based policy” explained executive Councillor for boredom, Cllr Tim Ward, “which is a bit of a stinker when the evidence isn’t what you want, so we just decided the obvious solution was to change the way we measure the evidence.”
And the group’s policy of avoiding any way of officially failing is said to be wide-ranging; future cock ups are said to include:
- Not including any financial transactions in the annual accounts
- Not including residents on the housing waiting list
- Not counting grassed areas when calculating how much Open Space will be lost from over-development
Quickly seeing the opportunity to say something obvious because it involved climate change, Tony Juniper from the Green Party confirmed that errors in measuring reductions in carbon emmissions, made by mistake when officers incorrectly measured the evidence, were, in fact, mistakes:
“These are mistakes which wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t been allowed to happen” he said, unhelpfully.
The Lib Dems said new plans were in place which would result in new targets that would then need to be newly changed: “We’ve put new energy efficient lights in the swimming pool, but we forgot to measure whether they were waterproof or not, so unfortunately they may not save as much electricity as we hoped.”
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Home/Lib-Dems-lose-overall-control-of-Cambridge-04052012.htm
http://nickclarkeconservative.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/lib-dems-lose-cambridge/
http://nickclarkeconservative.wordpress.com/2012/05/04/conservatives-break-into-cambridge-city-politics/ (and https://shallotcambs.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/why-cant-everyone-just-agree-with-me-says-county-council-leader-crying/ )
http://www.cambridge-news.co.uk/Home/City-councils-Green-group-leader-defects-to-Labour-03052012.htm
The end result of thousands of hours, pounds and the efforts of Councillors and campaigners has resulted in power being handed to one man, it was confirmed last night.
Commenting on his Victory, outgoing Mayor and now unelected official in control of things, Ian Nimmo-Smith, said: “Mwwwwhhahahhaaa! Kneel before me puny mortals. For I am MAYOR and my power is strong.”
Reacting whilst applying some extra hair gel, Adam Pogonowski, 12, said “Hi!! I’m over here everyone! Look at me! I did something!”
Revelling in the fact that a tiny minority of Cambridge residents had been bothered to give up barely 5 minutes of their long lives to vote Labour, Cllr Lewis Herbert cheered their victory: “We’ve worked hard to achieve a position where no one can effectively govern Cambridge, and I’m looking forward to continuing that pattern in years to come.”
We’re energetic, young, and now we’ve also got some gays, so the Lib Dems can’t claim they’re better than us anymore.” added Cllr Herbert, chewing on a cuban cigar.
“I’m energetic, look at me” shouted Cllr Pogonowski, waving his hands in the air.
Despite more than 2/3 of the electorate not supporting her party, Lib Dem Council Leader Sian Reid was measured and stateswoman like in her response to cheers from the opposition:
“Ner ner ner ner ner, we’ve got the mayor” she said “and we’ve got some lesbians and colin, so we’re far more diverse than Lewis’ lot”.
Last night also marked the first time in a long time a Councillor from a party obsessed with privaledge and elitism has been elected to the City Council. Reacting to the election of Conservative Shapour Meftah, Conservative County Council leader Cllr Nick Clarke said:
“Ooooo, someone like me. I’ve got a friend! We can play railways together, I’ve got a new railway and he can play on the tracks. But only if he does what I say.”
Cllr Meftah confirmed what everyone already knew about the relationship between the City and County Tories: “Nick who? That UKIP guy?”
“I could be a conservative too you know!” yelled Cllr pogonowski in a hitch pitched whine.
Begrudingly, this website turned to Cllr Pogonowski so he’d shut the fuck up, and asked him to talk for a bit.
“I’m joining that nice party over there cause they’re bigger and that funny woman who talks for hours did it a couple of weeks ago, so it must be a good idea.” he pontificated.
“But I want everyone to know etc, how etc, I can about that stuff etc that I used to care about etc.
For example, I still don’t like Roses, the colour red, and I still think the war with Milton Keynes was wrong.”
“What do you mean this isn’t about me and you want to talk to the leader of Cambridge Labour?
This isn’t about me?
Shit.”
The Shallot Cambridge 