Daniel Zeichner doesn’t have a hope in hell against Julian Huppert in 2015, without fuck loads of cash, it has been announced by Cambridge Labour.

Further, as no one in Cambridge Labour seems to like him very much, people who don’t know him will be bussed in from around the County to lie about how well they know him.

Approximate calculations, made by someone’s dog sitting panting near a GCSE economics textbook, show that for every original thought that Julian Huppert has more than Daniel Zeichner, at least £4 is required for Zeichner and Labour to win.  After scratching its balls for a bit, the dog announced that this would mean Cambridge Labour have to raise £1.1 trillion – which by pure coincidence is the amount of national debt his parties’ Government ran up.

Confusingly, Mr Zeichner compared a decision resulting in students paying nothing to go to University until afterwards, with an a decision to wage an illegal war on a foreign country resulting in the deaths of thousands people.

Bob Twopence, someone who has an imaginary third leg, said “I dunno.  The worst thing to come out of the Iraq war was the deaths of hundreds of British troops.  I’m not sure a dodgy autotuned pop song compares.”

Defending the record of a bunch of elitist white middle class men, Julian Huppert said “I hope the people of Cambridge can basically ignore all the bad stuff and focus on my obsession with obscure pieces of legislation relating to internet porn.

I mean, who doesn’t want to watch internet porn, nowadays?”.